Camping Equipment vs. Equipped for Camping

What exactly is camping? Is it quint-essentially the chance to reconnect with your ancestral and primitive roots? Possibly get a little closer to nature, reflect on life, enjoy life's simplicity.  Well you'll be happy to know there is an array of products specifically design to ease you withdraw from modern civilization.  

Well the first thing usually sacrificed during camping is hygiene.  Yet nothing is more caveman like than defecating in the woods.  Which is why the camping equipment manufacturing company Coleman decided to produce their own toilet paper.  Why ? Maybe Charmin, Scot, and Marcal all lacked the capacity to perform well during camping; maybe they are filled with harsh pollutants; maybe one more biodegradable?  Who knows, but when you have to go you'll use any brand of TP.  Camping has often been revered as a man's activity, maybe because of their ability to pee outside.  Well that is all behind us now, women across the world will now be able to funnel their urination with GoGirl.  GoGirl is a device that enables ladies to projectile pee, so watch out penises girls will finally be able to fill up their own Mountain Dew bottles during long road trips. There is also nothing more lady-like and the deification of etiquette than using your GoGirl and returning the piss covered devices to your Louis Vuitton purse.  

Continuing on this theme of hygiene, forget toxic bug spray, buy yourself the daintiest pastel pink mosquito net.  And in any case your razor didn't come with it's own plastic cover or you just hate the pre-fab cover; why not buy yourself some camping approved Coghlans razor covers.  Now you may think Coghlans oddly resembles Colman, but don't be mistaken, they both manufacture the best accessories for outdoor living.  Such as their hygienic Contain-Alls.  Screw buying travel size soaps or saving your leftover hotel shampoos; now you can waste all the time in the world by siphoning your Costco size toiletries into Contain-Alls' tiny set of plastic bottles.  Who knew you'd be able to maintain such great hygiene, yet alone shower while camping.

Colghan's also makes two other necessary accessories.  First their Cooler Dry, because it is so difficult to just leave the lid open while you're letting the cooler air dry.  Second the Egg Holder because those those rinky-dinky Styrofoam containers from the grocery store will not suffice.  You must also yet again waste time reloading your eggs into an egg holder equipped with an handle for easy carrying, because you've always wanted a briefcase for your eggs. Also what would be camping without a marshmallow roast? Well forget having to find a stick and turn it, now thanks to stupidity and sheer laziness your marshmallow can rotate alone with the Electric Marshmallow Roaster.  There is something to be said for holding a battery operated device in a campfire.  And just when you thought we couldn't get any lazier you have the double Hamburger Press because making hamburgers with your hands is just so gross, homely, and simpleminded? Also their is my personal favorite; the Portable Camping Deep-Fryer.  I recommend this to all hikers and white-water rafters, strap this useless fat generating device to your back or boat along with gallons of oil for the rare opportunity to have a funnel cake or corn dog at the top of Mt. Everest or bottom of the Grand Canyon along the Colorado River.  And if you are fearful of starving on your camping trip, nothing says preparation with a Year Supply of Survival Food jammed into your vehicle when entering the National Park.  This may or may not be actual food, but with enough ketchup anything is pretty much edible. 

Continuing along this theme of survival you have the Survival Bracelet, which is actually quite popular considering material culture. This bracelet may in fact save your life. How?  Beats me? It certainly would not satisfy the human needs of thirst, hunger, and clothing, maybe shelter.  It certainly will not save you from drowning in the plethora shit now accompanying the ritual of camping.  Anyone who has been camping, hiking, or white-water rafting knows to avoid this world of material culture and all this useless shit (aside from name brand toilet paper);  what is most important is protection from elements, i.e. breathable or waterproof clothing, sunblock, bug spray, fire starter, food, water, a flask of whiskey or lots and lots of beer.