You Rock, Rock, 72

In the film I Heart Huckabees, environmentalist/activist Jason Schwartzman try's to save a rock and it's natural habitat by reading a poem "you rock, rock."  The movie is poignant post-modern tale exploring existentialism and nihilism, and although slightly high-brow it finds humor in making fun of the worlds greatest philosophers. Humans continually seek a deeper understanding of the world and the unknown, which is why the ancient practice of crystal healing and crystal gazing still flourish.

Throughout history, indigenous populations used stones and shells as a form of currency, where today we still recognizes precious metals and stones as a form of capital. The early Egyptians thought Lapis Lazuli symbolized royalty, honor, god, power, spirit, and vision. Six-thousand years later the stone still retains it's spiritual poise by enhancing memory and intelligence, activating a state of higher being, along with stimulating knowledge, truth, and understanding. The physical healing properties of Lapis Lazuli are endless from treating ear, nose, and, throat, to thyroid glands, vertigo, oozing eyes, and  lumbago. The stone cures brain disorders, ADHD, autism, and Asperger's syndrome. So put down the blue pill (Adderall) and pick up the blue rock. 

If only it was that easy, we would've saved billions in medical research. Instead you have Dr. John of God profiting the cure-all Crystal Therapy Bed which conducts physical spiritual surgery. The bed, composed of a massage table, has suspended quartz crystals illuminated with specific frequencies to perfectly align and radiate upon the seven human energy centers known as chakras. You'll never feel better midst the Himalayan rose salt mood lamps emitting negative ions otherwise seen as positive energy waves. Now if this isn't you idea of a spiritual cleanse, you can purchase your very own crystals amid the aroma of marijuana and grill cheese on any Shakedown Street from Haight Ashbury to a simple Phish concert. Sure they might be wrapped in wire or hemp, but you'll save a boatload compared to Dr. Wackadoodles spiritual surgery. Plus you can clamp the rocks to dreadlocks to perpetuate the healing process. Sure they might get a little heavy and there's the added risk of knocking your teeth out, since you literally have rocks in your head, but think of the positive aura you're creating everywhere you go. In the shower, in bed, in the office, etc. 

Aside from their medicinal therapeutic purposes, crystals balls and seeing stones have been used to predict the future and interpret the past. As early as 1900 it was published that crystal visions revive memories, tap into the subconscious, create telepathic messages, clairvoyant prophesies, and are known to communicate with the supernatural. With special stones Joseph Smith was able to interpret the reformed Egyptian used to compile the golden plates or Book of Mormon found under a rock. Although no one ever saw the gold plates or stones they instilled such a profound faith still practiced by 15 million Mormons worldwide, close to 6.5 million in the US alone. And although Smith's seeing stones didn't cure any physical ailments, they did save countless lost souls. I wonder if any psychic saw that coming? 

So whether it is your body or soul that needs saving, get yourself some rocks, even a pet rock counts.