It's raining, it's pouring, what the heck does an old-man snoring have to do with this. Rain...it's one of the few things money can't buy, where there's no bribing Mother Nature. If there was, LA's drought would have ended year's ago.
While certain coordinates of the planet are dying of thirst, others are bloated. Where no mater how refreshing a thunderstorm may be, human's inherently want to protect themselves from the elements. Just imagine if everyone showed up the office soaking wet during April showers, get ready for that must-not-see wet T-shirt contest. Yuck! Well in order to combat this wetness a plethora of products have invaded the market, but none are as complacent as the umbrella. One might think the umbrella is some all-and-mighty devise, given its' popularity and prevalence in modern society. But in fact humans go through million of umbrella's every year. And as a result of their relatively easy manufacture-ability, umbrella's are easily broken and tossed in the trash. Even the fanciest of umbrella's life is very short, sometime a one-time use, kind of like a bandaid for the rain, where often times a bandaid last longer. However if it's raining "cats & dogs" this umbrella can be more valuable than gold. The "re"-design of the umbrella seems like a good place to start... you have safer umbrella's that won't poke your eye out, windproof umbrellas, sword shaped umbrellas, light saber and flashlight umbrellas, umbrellas for couples and umbrellas for dogs, hands-free umbrellas, and most importantly umbrellas for Bill Murray's head. You have golf umbrellas and baby umbrellas. Basically envision an type of umbrella and it's most likely been created. Rihanna has her own umbrellas to match her hit song Umbrella, while Prince has purple umbrellas to match his Purple Rain. There are umbrellas that display art, porn, and project blue skies, clear umbrellas and bubble umbrellas for maneuvering, umbrellas that filter water and an umbrella that recycles newspaper for it's covering. Innovative indeed, but do they work? Will they withstand wind-gusts, hail, and actual rain? Will they not break in your bag or go unnoticed under the table. Sure other options exist, but are they just as lack luster? Ponchos work, but are ugly and hot. Rain boots are fine, yet still on the verge of fashion. Children's rain condoms are in style in Japan, but what else is there? Why isn't there a pill that desensitizes your skin from the feeling of rain, wetness, and coldness; would it then become less bothersome? Why can't we just all go naked and get dressed at our destination inside? I call for some design thinking when it comes to rain. I'm sick of it always raining on my parade.
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I was surprised to find a rabbit's foot in my Easter Basket yesterday. I'm confused as to whether it was the Easter bunny's own foot or possibly the holiday icon's arch-nemesis'. Maybe Bugs Bunny, Thumper, Roger Rabbit, Donnie Darko... beats me. Regardless of this morbid gesture I believe it is an omen that good things are coming.
Rabbits symbolize fertility because of their ability to reproduce and the frequency in which they do it. They're also linked to darkness and witchcraft because of their underground habitat, thus emulating Satan. Maybe this is why the mythical Jackalope creature was created by a taxidermist gluing antlers to a rabbit's head. The rabbit's foot is a derivative of historic folklore and superstition, where they are thought to bring its owner good luck when rubbed three time. Now the most legit and magical rabbit's feet come from black magicians and voodoo Doctors who sacrifice rabbits and their back-left-hind feet in a special midnight full-moon cemetery ceremony. Although debatable, somehow became acquainted with good luck and lending itself to superstition. Obviously having lots of sex, like a rabbit, is pro; but the underground devil associations and black magic sacrifice would most likely be a con; unless you're Rob Zombie. So I urge you to question tradition, fill your children's Easter Baskets rabbit's feet, make up a story involving the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy and this some fear inducing mob mob prize. This will teach your kids to behave. What does it matter anyway, Easter is a celebration of Jesus' resurrection, he was bloody tortured, and this also teaches your kids to behave. Certainly sacrificing a cute little cuddly creature's paw will definitely cause you to win the lottery. Maybe even try chopping off your own hand and try putting it on a key-chain or a necklace around your neck. Nothing looks better when trying to unlock your front door, hand in hand with you own hand still fumbling for the keys. "Honey I'm home, look what I got for the kids Easter Baskets." In honor of Easter and all great things that come in eggs and shells, I give you the Silly Putty. And for those of you living under a rock, Silly Putty is a toy that feels rubbery made of silicone polymer. It comes in a plastic egg, where the beige colored material is malleable thus taking finger prints and picking text from newspaper, all the while it bounces and rips completely in half.
Interestingly enough, Silly Putty is a derivative of WWII rubber shortages, where Japan controlled a majority of the rubber-producing countries located in the Pacific Rim. The US government funded research for developing synthetic rubber, where as a result Silly Putty was invented. Down Corning and General Electric invented this material around the same time, but neither were able to devise a practical purpose for it's use, as it is not rubbery enough to construct rafts, tires, gas masks, etc. After concluding the material serves no real purposes, Peter Hodgson then marketed the material as a toy, where he claims to have sold 250,000 in first three days and later after it's merging with Crayola the product's annual sales exceeded two million eggs sold in 1987 and a total of 300 million sold since 1950, thus now being estimated at 20,000 sold daily. Again it is crazy to think that something denoted as purposeless sells 20,000 on a daily basis. Hypothetically the squishy material can be used in physical therapy and is considered as a stress reliever, although why not use regular biodegradable clay or Play-doh. Apparently Silly Putty can be used as a stain remover and lint brush, but when applied to a head of hair or any facial hair (especially while heated) good luck! Every year there are hundreds of kids are admitted to the Emergency Room because of Silly Putty in eyelashes, pubic, lodged in bodily crevices, etc. Luckily it is non-toxic, but how non-toxic is it really? Sure it is safe to rub all over your skin and such, and countless parenting blogs say swallowed Silly Putty by either kids or pets is ok. It's like gum or digests that way. But I beg to differ, what is the larger picture. How can you ingest something that will probably outlive you, is flammable yet resistant to microwaving? In the Hot Tug poppin' bubbly. Big Pun would have most certainly appreciated the classy yet sophisticated hot tub mixed boat. Maybe he would have even been the spokes person if he was still with us today. It is widely known JayZ, Beyonce, and Puff Daddy Sean Puffy Combs or whatever the hell his name is cruise on mega yachts, while little known socialites around the globe are getting rejuvenated with the Hot Tug. This certainly beats your old fashioned bubble bath. Unfortunately these things haven't reached Manhattan's East River, but across the pond you can navigate some seemingly seedy canals in the UK, Netherlands, and Denmark. The toy boat is fueled by a wood stove which allows you to navigate whatever sewer system you're on, all the while it heats the interior water, thus enabling you to sit comfortable in your own filth. It can accommodate up to 8 folks and innumerous wildlife including fish, eels, seals, lobsters, crabs, and narwhals.
Based on the Hot Tug's advertisements, it is encouraged that drink and drive. So before pounding a few tallboys aboard Captain Crazy's cesspool, beware it is most likely you neighbor has peed, if not once, then certainly twice, possibly even the entire length of time you've been in the damn thing. Who knows, there's probably semen swimming around, but don't fret, just think of it as egg-drop soup. Hot Tubs are by far the "best" spot for sex parties and to get hammered. Shots of Jägermeister or Fire Water, lit on file, are encouraged to warm your insides. An entire bottle per-passenger is suitable, although if you were already worried about excrement, you're in fora treat with a puking party. To avoid a vomiting vehicle, bring a pizza or sub, heck nothing goes better with a toy boat than a submarine. Maybe even some marshmallows to roast in the fire, just don't burn anyone. Nothing is classier than eating in the bath, well maybe the toilet or shower. But who wouldn't want to do this? I mean come one, you have your friends, water, and a vehicle. Sure there's the risk of someone seeing you... in your bathing suit, with shrinkage, in a dirty-ass canal; while possibly sinking ship, finding dead bodies, being covered in a strangers semen, and then burning to death by marshmallows; but isn't this just your average Saturday afternoon? April showers bring May flowers, or so we thought, until now. Artificial flowers seem like a great concept, no black roses or sharp thorns. They'll never die and are not susceptible to weather, pests, or pretty much anything. You don't need sunshine, water, or a brain. They're forever in bloom, yet forever flawed. Constructed of plastic, wire, and polyester.
Today's artificial flower factories are found along the the Pearl River delta in Guangdon China. And although many of the components are machine made, they're still predominantly assembled by hand. Tons of artificial flowers are shipped around world, therefore making the market is a multi-billion dollar industry. Buyers include the world's biggest retailers; Wal-Mart, Target, Costco, and Home Depot. It is hard to go a day without seeing a fake flower,whether in a waiting room, restaurant, or store. It is like we have a problem with empty space. Historically flowers have represented... beauty, love and romance, nature, the birds and the bees, death and mourning, as well as revolution; i.e. the hippie flower placed in a police officer's gun barrel. Flowers are inherently apart of the human experience, most obviously adorning celebrations and tragedies but also blooming whilst growing food. A bride crosses pedals on her way to the alter, and a mourner throws flowers into a newly filled grave. But unlike this corpse, when did flowers go lifeless, turn to plastic? It's crazy to think plastic flowers will outlive us all. But why? Well somewhere around the late 70's and 80's with the onset of mechanically produced polyester came fake flowers. Obviously flowers are the most common form of inspiration, either for artistic pursuits or for scientific study, such as the Blaschka glass flowers and sea creatures at Harvard. But let's face it, we got lazy. Rather than watering and waiting for the orchid to bloom, someone thought it would be better to stare at a plastic-one collecting dust in the corner. Sure some may blame pollen allergens, but heck, these fake flowers are filth collectors. It actually wasn't until FOX new's reported fake flowers melting in some suburban Texan front yards that this cockamamie idea of global warming was challenged. Then out of the woodwork came ExxonMobil, George W. and Donald Trump ready to defend their investments in fake flowers made by oil. They don't see the earth as this living thing, kind of like an apple left in the sun to bake and rot in a Zip-lock bag. So there you have it folks, when someone dies, put them in their plastic clothing, inside a plastic coffin, covered in plastic flowers, topped with a plastic tomb. So one day when their grand-son little Johnny goes out to plant his apple-seeds, there will be already be a plastic plant flowering inedible fruit, ready to feed his hunger. It's shaping up to be a glorious opening day for Major League baseball, you have the Giants vs. Diamondbacks, Mets vs. Nationals, Red Sock vs. Orioles, Cardinals vs. Reds, Rays vs. Blue Jays, etc. Alex Rodriguez is suspended the entire season as a result of his doping scandal, Pete Rose, An American Dilemma debuted earlier this month, all the while Phiten partnered with Smack Sportswear to reach it's yearly high on the NYSE (SMACK).
Over the past few years, rope necklaces have entered the baseball field. These are not the rainbow beaded necklaces found at raves or the ugly hemp necklaces found at a Grateful Dead shows, but specialized sports technology. Most likely prescribed for endorsement checks, these necklaces supposedly serve a higher purpose. Now it is blatantly obvious, professional athletes are Gods among men, and don't necessarily have to adhere to rules of human decency nor the regulations governing professional sports. They're immune to common sense, thus making them blind and susceptible to risk such the obvious of playing sports while wearing a noose. Take for example A-Rod and Lance Armstrong, they risked their lives via multiple blood transfusions just to pee clean, pass roid tests, bike faster, throw harder, and get the money. Historically speaking professional athletes have believed in the the psychosomatic benefits of lucky charms such as Michael Jordan's lucky shorts, Turk Wendell's tooth necklace, or eating candy and chicken before a game. Phiten is a Japanese sports technology company who have celebrated 15 years of business within the United States whilst achieved over $100 million in sales, thus cashing in on our stupidity and superstitions. Phiten was developed by Yoshihiro Hirata, who after being injured training as a chef, then took up physical therapy. Although not a doctor, Hirata believes metals help the body produce energy, maintain focus, and eliminate pain. And although no scientific or medical data support Phiten's hypothesis, they still claim their products motivates excellence, so long as you believe! So "if you build it, they will come," thank to Kevin Costner in Field of Dreams and Hirata in Field of Jewelry. A Phiten necklaces looks like yarn braided together by a kindergarten, where they obtain their mysticism from a fountain at The Mall of America. Phiten claims the super power comes from aqua-metal created by hydro-colloidal technology, which actually means a mixture of water and metal, or in this case coins. Phiten coats it's products with this imaginary Fairy Dust, where through exertion metal seeps into your pores thereby tapping your untapped greatness and causing cancer. It's too bad these necklace don't extract or mask steroids, but maybe they do, and this entire product is a conspiracy? Why else would anyone wear one of these ridiculous necklaces If cleanliness is next to Godliness, where does obsessive compulsive lie? Spring Cleaning is a practice of disinfecting a home and purging a house of unnecessary things. Spring Cleaning historically coincides with the warming of temperatures and melting of rivers and springs where our ancestors found the necessary cleaning tools of clean water and fresh air. This custom takes place in many cultures around the globe; where in Iran they call it khooneh kekouni, Japan they call it oosouji, and in Jewish cultures they practice the removal of chametz before Passover.
Roland Barthe comments on this idea of cleanliness in his essay "Soap-powders and Detergents" Mythologies, where he discusses the perception of depth and the notion of a deep clean. Until now, we never realized how dirty everything is. Today, a deep cleaning is required for just about everything; from clothing to carpets, tile grout to teeth, facial pores to butt-holes. They've found a way to clean it and now there's a product to clean it with. Sure it may not even be dirty or the bacteria is actually good, but fuck it. Where you once had a mop/broom you now we have a Swifter, a sponge is now a Magic Eraser, a toilet brush has been reinvented to be a disposable toilet wand, face soap is now a motorized Dove SkinVitalizer Facial Cleanser Massager, and the list goes on. The body alone has a million different products; face wash, body wash, shampoo, toothpaste, enemas, Qtips (which doesn't even have a generic name) Then there are products to replenish the natural and essential oils we just washed away; such as face lotion, body lotion, conditioner, lube, etc. This phenomena has obviously moved into the home where there is something for everything; cleaners for different materials wood, metal, glass, fabrics as well as cleaners for different things. It's not surprising they don't already have Living Room Cleaner, Closet Cleaner, and Attic Cleaner. There is even a cleaner for you cleaner; i.e. wash for your washing machine. There's a cleaner for dirt and even devices to preserve you cleaning tools, such as sponge covers and vacuum protectors. Let's not forget Vegetable Wash, because cleaning vegetables with good old fashioned soap and water just wasn't cutting it. It is amazing that civilization existed before all of all these products. How did anyone ever go down on a toilet without a Clorox Toiletwand and the Scrubbing Bubbles? Or dust without Pledge? Polish without Murphy's Oil Soap (which isn't soap)? Vacuum without a Roomba, Dust Buster, Hoover, or Dyson? Get a stain out without Oxi-Clean or Resolve? Get crayon off a wall without Goo Gone? Clean their bong without Simple Green? Or most importantly drink water without Brita? It is slightly overwhelming, where our ancestors would say "whoa, what is all this stuff?" and future generations may say "yikes, how did they ever get by with just this?" Accompanying mankind on his transition from nomadic to sedintary lifestyles, the dog was the first domesticated animal. Pets have been prevalent from the ancient Egyptians into modern day. Just last week someone in China purchased a Tibetan mastiff puppy for close to a $2 million dollars, considered one of the most expensive pet purchases ever. In the United States nearly 62 percent of all household have a pets, totaling to 84 million dogs and 96 million cats. Over the course of 2013 American's spent cost to $56 billion dollar on their pets. So with this billion dollar industry comes a boatload of bogus belongings. The dog itself is a luxury possession providing you with endless hours of entertainment and infatuated love. Maria Antoinette had a Papillion dog and Louis XIV had a menagerie of animals. Pure breed dogs act as a status symbol, where the Tibetan mastiff was allegedly breed with a lion and has been historically acquainted with nobility, thereby today solidifying its' owner's social ranking.
Dogs are custom-izable; either by genetically molding the perfect breed or stylizing them with hairdos, clothing, and plastic surgery. Gregg A. Miller invented Neuticles a testicular implants for pets, after sympathizing with his dog Buck's snipped balls. Like Buck, Rocky Kardashian underwent the procedure and then following in his synthetic sister's path, Rocky become the spokes-dog for Neuticles. Neutricles now offers a variety of pet altercations including ear stays, eye implants, ear implants, scar removal, and soon to follow face lifts, tummy tucks, Botox, and teeth straightening/whitening. So with their new found look, your pet can be pampered in five star dog hotels, such as the Paw Seasons where you can easily drop a mere $73K on the resort including a Harrods pet spa, walks on the beach and ice cream, personal chef, yoga, surfing, reiki sessions, followed by a personalized wardrobe, bronze sculpture by Jo Chambers, and a bespoke doghouse replicating your own home. As you can see, pet's have it all...fake balls, houses bigger than NYC apartments, spas, health insurance, pet psychics, along with an endless array of senseless stuff. First off you may find it difficult to understand your dog's needs, but with the Bow-Lingual dog translator and a dog therapist communication is possible. What you'll learn will be dirty, so stay clean with the Poo Trap a plastic bag device strapped to your dog's butt that automatically collects and bags their doo doo. But if this doesn't work, freeze feces their with the aerosol Poop Freeze spray and then knock it away with the Turd Burglar hockey stick. Obviously their comes a time when you get sick of into your dog's brown eye, well I've found your guy; finally a sticker designed to cover your dog's unsightly asshole Rear Gear Store.com. And just when you were thinking, they'd thought of everything, there's the first sex toy for dogs, Hot Doll allow's your male pup to pounce, doggy style with a silicone plastic prototype. Basically it's the blow up doll for dogs. But what about the bitches? Next up doggy dildos. So when the doghouse is a rockin don't come a knockin. It's that time of year again, March Madness where NCAA men's basketball teams go head to head at the big dance. Starting with 64 college and university teams, thereby trickling down to 32, 16, 8, 4, 2, finalizing with one winner, this could be anyone's year. While these otherwise unknown college and university basketball teams compete, so does the NBA, NHL, NASCAR, along with MLB's opening day commencing baseball season March 31, 2014. Aside from a saturation of sports, with this comes commercialized peanuts and Cracker Jacks, and the classic Foam Finger.
Sure Miley Cyrus gave herself the old fashioned foam finger fuck this past summer at the MTV Music Awards. As a result, Foam Finger sales have blasted through the roof. Never before have Chinese manufactures been so inundated with orders, there isn't enough child labor and foam to go around. They're so overwhelmed they can't keep up, outsourcing to Vietnam and Cambodia. Just like the light bulb, there are several contributors to the Foam Finger, Steve Chmelar who made a papier mâché #1 hand in 1970, Geral Fauss who made a series of plywood fingers in 1978 and later manufactured foam fingers at his company Spirit Industries, and then Robert Keith with a foam finger patent filed in 2007. Aside from the defense sign in the form of a wooden fence and the letter D, there has never been a more useless invention. Until recently the team spirit market was untapped, but now you got everything from koozies to Foam Fingers. Sure buying a Foam Finger may seem harmless because nobody can poke their eye out and it will shut your damn kid up, but once again I poise the question "do we need all this stuff?" Maybe rather than buying a finger blaster, make a papier mâché hand, it's fun and biodegradable. Plus you'll have more in your wallet and less crap in your garage, attic, and or stoop sale, maybe even spend creative time with the kids. Millions of people will honor the patron saint of Ireland, Saint Patrick who died on March 17, 461 AD. This cultural and religious holiday known as Saint Patrick's day commemorates the arrival of Christianity to Ireland and allows a break in Lent dietary restrictions, therefore encouraging food and alcohol consumption. As a teenager St. Patrick was kidnapped and enslaved by the Irish raiders, where while serving as a Shepard he found God. After escaping and returning home, he became the infamous priest who evangelized northern Ireland and the portrail of the green shamrock as the holy trinity.
St. Patrick's Day is not a national holiday in the United States, but any American looking to celebrate their Irish lineage or looking for an excuse to drink observes. While cities like Boston and New York hold Saint Patrick's Day parades complete with the Catholic Church, leprechauns, Irish whiskey, beer, and shamrocks. The city of Chicago takes this day to a whole other level by dying it's river green. Ironically this tradition started 50 ago when a plumber used florescein dye to detect illegal sewage dumping. After realizing the florescein dye was in fact itself a pollutant, they've now switched to a supposedly non-toxic vegetable dye. But if polluting your water source isn't enough, how about polluting your local watering hole. Also allegedly non-toxic there is green beer. Although emblematic if the green Emerald Isle of Ireland, green beer is American's embodiment of St. Patrick's day. Most Irish beer's would go unnoticed if dyed, but Bud Light and Pabst Blue Ribbon make the perfect palette for your palate. The tradition of Green Beer Day can be traced back to Miami University of Oxford Ohio, who's celebration involved this concoction. Obviously bored college students took to celebrating spring break on the first day of the college weekend, Thursday by filling their glasses with green beer. In contrast a green stained mouth in Irish culture has a different connotation, where as a consequence of the 1840s Great Potato Famine, starving citizens ate grass for sustenance resulting in a green teeth and death. Many of those escaping the famine and under-consumption immigrated to the United States to seek a better life and to find their pot of gold. Today we have green beer, green bagels, and the green Chicago River in honor of Saint Patrick, all of which signify American's over-commodity-ization in honor our Irish and Christian heritage. |
LAJ
100 Objects of Popular and Material Culture is an blog exploring the manifestations of human consumption and commodity-ization. The purpose of this experiment is to explore material and popular culture in contemporary society by using objects and concepts to prompt wider questions and reflections. So by emulating The British Museum's and Neil MacGregor's format of A History of the World in 100 Objects I plan to satirically analyze and reinterpreted 100 material culture objects over the course of 2014. Material Culture is the study of our culture's consumption of stuff; namely the manifestation of culture through material productions where people's perceptions of objects is socially and culturally dependent. With this, objects reflect conscious and unconscious beliefs on the the individuals who fabricated, purchased, or used them, and by extension the society where they live. So examining materiality, cultural truths and societal assumptions may be discovered. As anthropologist Arjun Appaduai states "in any society the individual is often caught between the cultural structure of commodity-ization and his own personal attempts to bring a value and order to the universe of things." Objects and commodities make up a much larger symbolic system consisting of want and need, socio-economic status, fashion, etc. Often times form follows function whether the commodity, market, and or consumer forever evolve around one-another. Philosopher Pierre Bourdieu's theories of capital flow full circle; where regardless if you are a minimalist or a hoarder the world is made up of things and everyone will leave their footprint on the earth. So by humorously analyzing marketed objects and concepts, hopefully this blog will provide further incite into ideas of over-consumption, a disposable society, consumerism vs. anti-consumers, planned obsolescence vs. sustainability, as well as the greater good of mankind and future generations. Archives
March 2015
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