There is nothing cooler than a dude on a motorcycle. Wind in your hair, the purr between your legs accompanied by the essential leather jacket, Frye boots, dark denim, and aviator sunglasses. Whether it's a nostalgia for the rock-n-roll lifestyle or a mid-life-crisis derived from a movie. The truth is that Tom Cruise never looked better than Top Gun. He peaked here, thus better explain his need of personal affirmation found in Scientology. Either way, riding a motorcycle is the tits, in one moment you've never been so close to fully living or fully dying.
This past weekend I witnessed a man drive his motorcycle onto a populated sidewalk and into the back of a parked car. It happened so quickly that with the bat of an eyes, I went from idolizing this guy to rejecting him. My experience with motorcycles has been somewhat limited, beside the fact my mother and father actual owned an rode them in their youth, I've only ridden passionately with some guys I've dated. This nostalgia is nonexistent when referring to the minibike. Similar to children's jet skis, snowmobiles, and go-karts, minibikes were brought into this world by bike enthusiasts experimenting with spare parts. Because these bikes maneuver tight pit roads so easily it was only a mater of time before a mini-powersports field was created in the 1950's. Although uncommon, these crotchrockets have been known to make an appearance in Brooklyn where just recently I saw one speeding through Williamsburg. Ironically the minibike has a long history with Brooklyn, where the son to John Gotti, godfather of the Gambino crime family, Frank Gotti was killed while while minibiking in Howard Beach. He was only 12 years old, however the murderer John Favara was found not guilty. Allegedly the mob took maters into their own hand where Favara's disappearance and death, where thought to be apart of The Hole a mafia dumping ground excavated on Ruby Street on the border of Brooklyn and Queens. And although bodies were found, his remains remain missing. Lore has it that he was dismembered with a chainsaw and fed to the fishes, dissolved in acid, and stuffed into a barrel and sank at Sheepshead Bay. Aside from the menacing mafia, minibikes pose their own risk to life and limb. And although minibikes are not allowed on most public streets, they are still prevalent in Brooklyn where it seems like anything goes; you mopeds, electric bicycles, ATVs, Golf Carts, motorized unicycles, 3 Wheel Cars and motorcycles called. Spydrs. Only 19 of the US states require riders to wear a helmet, not to mention overall motorcycles account for 14% of all auto fatalities in 2012. Luckily
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Not only can it slice and dice, it can poach and puree, stew and spew, peel and heal, fry and die, noodle your poodle, churn and sperm. Yes folks you've seen it all, the first and only only kitchen device to toss both salads. So look further as seen on TV, Crate & Barrel, William & Sonoma, Sur La Table, Bed Bath & Beyond, Walmart, Duanne Read, and the Dollar Tree. Not suitable for children, may cause cancer, however can also render both forms of tea bagging.
It is only when you loose one of your most important kitchen devices that you realize how much useless crap you have in the kitchen. No I'm not talking about you Vitamin Mixer, or your Black & Decker mixer, not even your La Spaziale or illy expresso machine. Forget the plates and silverware, heck even the copper coated pots and pans. You'll have no need for your cast iron skillet and Boche stove. Everything relies on your refrigerator, that fine line of cold and frozen, to moldy and rose. You can forget about it once your fridge is 86d, get used to as scary cooler and take out. On up side think of it as an opportunity to clean out your fridge, on down side why did I have to go to the market the day of. Which brings me to my larger point of kitchen krap (crap). I've have the privilege of knowing and dining with several remarkable chefs. The only thing I ever see them use is a sharp ass knife, maybe a hand towel or two, a cast iron skilled, and a decent baking tray. It's not about the gadgets and gizmos, it's about the food. My stomach doesn't give a shit if you used a digital thermometer or a Sous-vide, so long as it taste good. Man has been cooking ever since Eve ate that apple. However mankind has purposefully and continually invented accoutrements to aid in the etiquette of eating, such as a proper table setting or a formal tea service. stuff such as the celery vase or escargot tongs. Yet Adam and Eve weren't thinking about garlic peelers, banana slicers, avocado protectors, or orange juice suckers. There were no George Foreman Grills, Chop Magic, Bacon Bowls, EZ Yolk, or Magic Bullets. It naturally progressed from a raw vegan diet, into the paleo diet, with the microwave processed fast food craze toward the end, to end up right back at the paleo diet. Where today you have Fruitarianism where people only eat the fruit once it falls from the tree as to harm the tree; otherwise on the opposite end of the spectrum you have a camping deep fryers that allow you to fry that catfish after killing it. My only thought now is what does it all mean man? Without a fridge my juicer, hibachi grill, salad spinner, pineapple slicer, Jello mold, pizza tile, potato peeler, can opener, cheese grater, strainer, meat masher, muffin tins, Le Creuset dutch oven and turbotière are practically pointless. For good old number 69, I give you the selfie. The narcissistic activity that lies vaguely between the lines of love and lust. Sure it is a form of self-love, but it is act of self-loathing and boastfulness. A selfie doesn't necessarily have to be on Facebook or Instagram, it can be a polaroid or a painting. Since the dawn of civilization, humans have sought to express themselves and artists have tried to do so via self portraits. From the Bavarian artist Albrecht Durer to LA's own contemporary Marc Horowitz. It was through the portrait that Van Gogh to Andy Warhola tried to find their identity and better understand and love themselves.
The selfie is quite the phenomenon, a common bond that links us together, yet pushes us apart. You can share anything and everything, from your terrible haircut to your terrific vacation. I for one have been riding this ego expressway for quite sometime, where how else would I tell my tail of two weddings on two coasts in one week. And with this celebration of love I embarked from JFK-LAX-La Joila, San Diego-LA Santa Monica & Malibu, LAX-SFO Sausalito & Marin, SFO-ATL-RIC, RIC-NYC. My selfies not only showed my self-love, but my love for the couples getting hitched. As humans we have an insatiable quest for knowledge, like an adult version of show and tell. We're all similar to Narcissus from Greek Mythology, we both have fallen in love with our own reflections, but it is how we see this reflection that differs. Narcissus had his faithful puddle, we have our loyal iPhones. Heck many of us will most likely die with some sort of smart device in our hand, sure you can easily equate this to a heart monitor or your reclining hospital chair, but if you're anything like me, you wake up with a phone in your hand and start your day by diving into the world wide web. We are all so vain, it is most certain this blog is about us. Does this mean that Van Gogh was any less conceited or self absorbed than the lady shooting a selfie and checking herself out in a shinny window? Our culture is being inundated by the selfie, you need them for dating profiles, to make your friends jealous, to get a job. Products have also infiltrated the market such at the selfie-wand allow you to take distant shots, while a selfie toaster burns your face onto a piece of toast. This fall we'll have an entire TV show dedicated to the notion of a selfie. So what does it mean? Well you certainly don't want to be that girl who took a selfie at the Aushwitz, yikes. However once you start, it is easy to get sucked into the madness where I accidentally forgot and snapped a few pics on a 9/11 dinner boat cruise, agh! Luckily US President Barack Obama got pulled into taking a photo at Nelson Mandela's funeral, so it looks like everyone's doing it. The selfie has been around as long as humans have existed, it was only a mater of capturing them that has become so easy. Where does the selfie reside between selfishness and selflessness while we are all selfsame experiencing selfdom, selfhood, and selfness with our battle between good and evil self-obsessed. We are self-assured, self-centered, self-loathing and self-healing which is why the selfie I remember visiting Disney World as a kid, and mom bought me a pair of Mickey Mouse ears with my name embroidered onto them. I also remember going to see The New Kids on the Block and my mom buying me a NYOTB peace sign necklace. It was literally the coolest thing I owned, well for a week until it broke. She has bought Christmas Carol programs, Katie Perry glow sticks, Nascar ticket holders and ear muff radios. Souvenirs are an odd commodity, the physical representation of a moment in time. It is like we have to have them so that we will one day be able to recall the memory. My roommate has traveled to almost every continent and always brings back tokens of his adventures. Sometimes it's a fake plastic globe, a deity or god or some-sort, sand from the Sahara, rocks from the Berlin wall, or a indigenous mask to add to his collection. They are all amazing and individual to each traveler.
I on the other hand love knick-knack and junk stores. Like for instance when I was living in Rome for a month I found the equivalent of the Dollar Store, the Euro Store and I purchased an ice cube tray that made frozen penises and people fornicating. Another time I was in rural Colombia and I purchased soap that supposedly livened up your love life along with one of my pride possessions a camel-toe protector. And for anyone who doesn't know what a camel toe is, it refers the way a woman's private parts look in pants. I've been all around the Caribbean and finally at one point I realized I don't need anymore shark tooth necklaces or statement tee-shirts. I prefer to have a local meal or take home some local hot sauce. But as for my mom there is only one moment in my life when I recall my mom not buying a souvenir and that was after visiting the World Trade Center site. We had made an appointment last November, at what felt like 6:00 a.m. After heartbreak-ingly staring at the names on the walls and watching the waterfall, we decided it was time to leave. We stopped in the store on our way out. Which by the way there is no way avoiding, you practically have to exit through it. Now this is awful especially for someone who lost a loved one. But as for my mom and I, we were just curious about was sold, plus we didn't want to miss anything. You see we are shopper coupled with an insatiable curiosity. However it was in this moment that we both realized we didn't need anything. We had each-other, we were for the most part happy and healthy in life. So we went about our way and took this moment with us. Maybe we just didn't want to support the commercialism that probably got us into this mess in the first place or is that we just didn't want to look like idiots rocking a 9/11 hat? Either way the moment stuck with me, just as much as visiting the Vatican catacombs or the Hollywood cemetery in Richmond. I didn't and don't need a souvenir to remember. With the unveiling of Apple's iPhone 6, the world with change. Sure it comes in new sizes 5.5 and 4.7 inches, boast a thinner yet more round curvaceous figure, but now technology and body become one. Like the Jawbone and the Pebble Smartwatch, Apple will assist mankind in monitoring their health and fitness via the iPhone as well as their newest product the iWatch. It is crazy to think it wasn't until 1983 that the cell phones hit the market and that Apple has sold more iPhones than all of their other products combined. Soon enough it will be computer chip fingernails and contact lenses.
It is estimated that the average user checks their cell phone 110 times a day and up to every 6 second in the evening. These statistic estimate the heaviest of user to unlock their phones 900 times a day, equaling to approximately 18 hours total. Obviously these numbers will continue to increase, where like Apple technology companies will have a heavy influence in how we spend our time. If in fact the average user checks their phone 110 times, say each time for a 1 minimum or maximum minute, this closely constitutes to 2 hours of staring at you phone everyday. Why do we do this to ourselves? Is that we've finally found the perfect device to fill idle time? Is that our world has expanded so much that we have to know everything that is going on all the time with everyone. We certainly don't just live in a bubble anymore, which is both a positive and negative. It is absolutely astonishing to ponder how previous generations got along without cell phones; meeting friends, navigating roads, finding entertainment, etc. A hefty percentage of the developed world considers their cell phone to be their greatest asset. Not that it is in fact their most valuable possession, in comparison to social capital (family & friends), economic capital (money & investments), and cultural capital (knowledge & education). It is that the cell phone, provides us with all of Pierre Bourdieu's Theories of Capital. The iPhone constitutes as wealth, connection for friends and family, and access to the world wide web filled with wisdom. But we as human beings have an innate desire to decorate and personalize everything, including this device. As if an iPhone doesn't already resonate economic capital, you can adorn it with rhinestones cases, charms, animal covers, and so much more. There is even an minute lava lamp and living plant you can dangle from your earphone outlet. So what's next a miniature goldfish or hermit crab? I mean if you're wasting 18+ hours a day on your iPhone it may as well make it part of you, cover it in sparkles, gems, cartoon characters, fake fruit and ice cream, as well as poetic sentiments. You can have anything bejazzled on the outside of your phone from My Little Pony to Donald Duck. Sure these case are rather large, but think of it as a statement piece that will either look like a tumor or hard-on poking out of your skinny jean's will never fit in your Chanel purse. Take notes from Kris Jenner's and her case that says "Queen of Fucking Everything," just make sure you realize the duel implications associate. Is she the Queen or does she just fuck everything, maybe even her cellphone? Warning this blog isn't for the weary or close-minded.
Who doesn't like the cock? Straight guys love their penises, as do straight women, then you have the gay guys who can't fathom a world without without the dick. This only groups left are the young, elderly, and some lesbians. I do know it is estimated that 1/3 to 1/6 of the world is circumcised where the World Health Organization calculating 30% of the world's weeniers are mushroom tipped. In the United States alone, the US Center for Disease Prevention estimates that 58% of the male population have lost their foreskin. This may seem odd for a lot of people; those seeing or experiencing an uncut cock for the first time or the seemingly barbaric nature of cutting a cock that God made, especially an infant's penis. For the uncut men, pros include the freedom of choice however the cons are result in a higher susceptibility to diseases and infection. For cut men, the pros are a lower susceptibility to disease and infection, however the con is the most often inability to choose. So while both the World and US health organizations are advocating for circumcision as a logical defense, NORM a non-profit is advocating for the reconsideration of circumcision along with creating a support network for circumcision-ees. Well just when you thought you couldn't get your foreskin back, you can! Hallelujah! There are finally a plethora of websites teaching the technique of stretching your foreskin. There are manual techniques where with the use of one's hand and possibly some tape you can recreate your foreskin. However if this isn't working for you there is the TLC Tugger Penis Sensitivity Foreskin Restorer and DTR duel tension restorer which resemble some sort of MacGyver devices found in a serial killer's rape room or garage. Better yet there are dumbbells for your dick called Foreballs followed by PUD penile uncircumciseing device which resemble other Medieval metal torture device. The most clinical option is Novoglan which is a cleaner version of all the above. Now if you're not quite ready to commit to permanence, Senslip is a silicone devise used to help men overcome lessening sensitivity due to circumcision. The belief is the penis becomes less sensitive after direct contact and friction with clothing, therefore Senslip acts as protective cover for the glans or penis head. Another more fashionable circumcised cock protector is the Manhood which is a soft cloth like envelope for the penis. For only $20 you can expect to experience heightened sensitivity in 30 days or your money back. Other incentives include UV protection and the variety of shinny fabric choices. Having been on the market since 1995, Manhood is probably the safest and best choice, endorsed by GQ, Fortune Magazine, Men's Health, Men's Fitness, and Time magazine. With all of these options, it is important to remember a picturesque phallus is pointless if it doesn't work. And dick docking wouldn't be the same without diversity. With most universities and colleges well on to frat parties and mid-terms, NYC public schools open their door's this coming Thursday, September 4, 2014. And although it seems summer slipped by, so did our motivation to buy school supplies. If you're a descent parent you'll take your child to Walmart or the mall. But if you're an awesome parent you'll have your driver take your nanny and kid back to school shopping while you submerse yourself in Soul Cycle and a bottle of Pouilly-Fuissé.
Procrastinate all you like, but it's time to turn down Beyonce's Drunk & In Love, put the Chanel surf board away, and get out your Chanel notepad and pen. Made from quilted lambskin, the Chanel planner goes for a mere grand, while the pencil and ruler are much more reasonably priced at $199. Somewhere in the back of your maid or personal shopper's mind, they might be think, "OMG at Costco you can get close to 1300 pencils for that price." But lets not forget, it's not about the quantity but the quality. Whether writing or drawing, these pencils along with as 18K gold sharper and $150 set of Lanvin Caran d’Ache pencils will provide your child with a creative outlet. The creative energy flowing through these Chanel pencils is unlike any other, however only a $2200 Louis Vuitton children's backpack or $700 Gucci kids bookbag should be used to house such contents. It is time we forget the antiquated Lisa Frank, Trapper Keeper, 5 Star notebook, composition notebook, Yikes pencil grips, Elmer's glue, and mini erasers. It's time to breed better brand recognition. Start early with a silver Tiffany spoon, but don't forget to move up to a Burberry pencil case, quickly followed by a full set of equestrian children's wear with Burberry trainers, trenchs, and wellies. Sure it may seem like a lot at first, but then comes the Juicy Couture lunch pail, white-gold titanium Rolex protractor, diamond encrusted Cartier calculator,topped off with a $27,000 Aston Martin DB Junior or a $11,300 Hermès bike. Let's not forget girls clothing such as the cashmere gym clothes supplied by Coach, Garine Gilson children's lingerie, Christian Louboutin children's stilettos, and most importantly child size fake boobs and veneers. Nobody wants to watch their child go through their ugly duckling stage so mask it with enough conspicuous consumption that nobody notices. Maybe it would be easier for them go to school and hand out $1000 bills instead? With the end of summer upon us, don't forget your bug spray this Labor Day. Sure this may not be in your forethought now, but come Tuesday morning when you walk into the office covered in a legion of lesions, you'll think differently. Nothing identifies a long debaucherous weekend more than a boatload of bug bites and bruises, coupled with a 3rd degree sunburn. So stop by the drugstore on your way out of town and stock up.
While you are there, you may notice the myriad of marvels on the market. Such as the OFF! Clip-On Mosquito Repellent, where the only thing you have to do is sacrifice your fashion sense by clipping a miniature bug-repelling fan to you hip. Sure it seems rather bulky and absurd, at first, but after a few beers you'll mistake it for pager without the perks of being a drug dealer calling yourself a doctor. Next you have insect repelling clothing, which unlike mosquito netting are less whimsical and romantic. You would think that after contracting Malaria or Yellow fever you would be more open to dressing modestly, but when it's hot it's hot, especially at Myrtle Beach. While you've never fully adhering to the modesty codes upheld by radical religion, you can see how our ancestors, deriving from the hottest places on earth just wanted to prevent sunburns and bug bites by burqas. It finally all makes sense, where coupled with a canopy bed there will always be a layer of cloth between you and the world buzzing around you. Now should you have forgotten to pick up some spray along the way, you can download several bug repelling iPhone and iPad apps. The app is similar to a dog whistle, however instead of attracting stray puppies, it omits such high frequency sounds that repels bugs. So when news reporter Kerry Sanders recently tested this ludicrous app, he proved anyone with a lick of common sense's theory that it doesn't work. An although product is a bust, there are close to a dozen apps available online ranging in price from free to a buck or two. So obviously someone is buying or downloading these app if so many exist. Which I guess brings us to the point, that should we be stranded on a dessert island this weekend and we're being eaten alive by bugs, most of us would download this app. Why.. well first of all who the hell is Kerry Sanders and second of all how the hell will you know if you never try? Metaphorically speaking, Las Vegas and Grillz are one in of the same. Sure it's stretch, since one is a city and the other an accessory, but otherwise speaking both are a mirage masking reality. Las Vegas neutralizes the natural beauty the Mojave Dessert by covering cacti with casinos, while Grillz conceal one's natural beauty with a golden façade.
So while on Spring Break in Las Vegas what seems like eons ago, I was approached by a English man who said "You American women have such nice teeth. Can I lick you teeth?" My response was no, since the dude was annihilated and his approach was rather forward. But looking back, his sentiments have resonated with me, as I pride myself on oral hygiene. Teeth have played a pivotal role in the history of mankind, still today they determine the quality and length of one's life. Thanks to evolution, humans stepped out of the dark ages and to stand in a world where malleable metals could be used the cap and preserve teeth. It is through the analysis of Neanderthal teeth, that we we were able to better understand our ancestors, their diet and length of maturation. And aside from utility, teeth are form of physical capital thus identifying a healthy diet and lifestyle. The Mayan Empire's inserted gems directly into one's teeth not as a marking of socio-economic statuses but for sheer decoration. And although this was thousands of years ago, the cultural modification of teeth is still popular today. Grillz otherwise seen as teeth plated with precious metals and gems made their debut in the 1980s alongside Hip Hop. Although commonly associated with rappers and basketball icons, both women and men, as well as rich and poor partake in this fashion trend. One might presume Grillz are a social status indicator because they are expensive and made from luxury materials. However unlike a Rolex, Fronts are not often considered an investment even though they are made from stable commodities such as gold and diamonds. In fact, investing in one's own teeth via regular dental check-ups, braces, bleaching, and veneers may prove more lucrative in the long run. The American Dental Association neither condones nor condems the use of Grillz or Fronts and although no formal study has been conducted, they felt the need to release as statement addressing the risks. Permanent and removable Grillz can scratch enamel, damage gum and tongue tissue, along with increase the risk for chipped teeth. Grillz are a magnet for collecting plaque, food, and other debree, which when compounded with metal can create infection, allegic reactions, and acidic compounds. It is often said that your eyes and teeth are the first thing people notice about you. However if your Grillz smell of garlic, it is more likely you're breath preceded you. Halitosis is no joke, and millions battle this disorder daily. So why encourage your chances for cavities, root canals, loss of teeth, less make-out sessions. If you ever had the luxury of braces, headgear, and or a retainer (like me) you'll never forget the annoying nature of having extra stuff in your mouth. So do yourself as well as your kissing companion a favor, save some money and say fuck the fronts. My mother and father met one summer while deep sea fishing. He drove the boat, while she caught the fish. Their love was consummated when my mother decided to keep the fish and my father had to beat it with a baseball bat. The fish's sacrifice was followed by bats of revelry and remorse amid a smokescreen of debauchery involving heavy drinking and skinny dipping, ending with bikini tops hanging from the mast. Obviously this wasn't your ordinary fish, but a trophy sized White Marlin that still hangs in my mother's garage today. It is by far one of my greatest possession.
Others may have a Big Mouth Billy Bass hanging in their garage. Why you may ask? First and foremost it is a novelty gift that nobody actually wants but somehow gets. Basically it is a plastic singing fish, who groves to the tune of Don't Worry Be Happy and Take Me Down To the River. In other words it solidifies the American stereotype of being loud and annoying, along with the American Dream to innovate ridiculous money making schemes. Which is why following Billy was Buck the Animated Trophy is a mounted fake deer who sings Sweet Home Alabama. Once again this object puts in concrete America's fascination with guns and further proliferates the National Rifle Association's right to bear arms. Sure it isn't a real deer, but to a child, what is the difference. It's as if you can't go into a bar these days without seeing some taxidermy animal on the wall. It's like the Smithsonian or Natural History Museum meets Cheers. Now I'm not complaining but my only wish is that these animals could talk, like the one's in George Harrison's Got My Mind Set On You video. What would they tell? Would they take the voice of the hunter or the prey? Say the moment when they realized it was all over, taking their last breath? Or the moment they extinguished something's life, watching it's last breath? Would excitement, anxiety, dry mouth, beads of sweat, and adrenalin racing through their veins? Would they be nostalgic or nauseous? Well one thing is for certain, nobody ever felt that way about opening up a Big Mouth Billy Bass or Buck the Animated Trophy. |
LAJ
100 Objects of Popular and Material Culture is an blog exploring the manifestations of human consumption and commodity-ization. The purpose of this experiment is to explore material and popular culture in contemporary society by using objects and concepts to prompt wider questions and reflections. So by emulating The British Museum's and Neil MacGregor's format of A History of the World in 100 Objects I plan to satirically analyze and reinterpreted 100 material culture objects over the course of 2014. Material Culture is the study of our culture's consumption of stuff; namely the manifestation of culture through material productions where people's perceptions of objects is socially and culturally dependent. With this, objects reflect conscious and unconscious beliefs on the the individuals who fabricated, purchased, or used them, and by extension the society where they live. So examining materiality, cultural truths and societal assumptions may be discovered. As anthropologist Arjun Appaduai states "in any society the individual is often caught between the cultural structure of commodity-ization and his own personal attempts to bring a value and order to the universe of things." Objects and commodities make up a much larger symbolic system consisting of want and need, socio-economic status, fashion, etc. Often times form follows function whether the commodity, market, and or consumer forever evolve around one-another. Philosopher Pierre Bourdieu's theories of capital flow full circle; where regardless if you are a minimalist or a hoarder the world is made up of things and everyone will leave their footprint on the earth. So by humorously analyzing marketed objects and concepts, hopefully this blog will provide further incite into ideas of over-consumption, a disposable society, consumerism vs. anti-consumers, planned obsolescence vs. sustainability, as well as the greater good of mankind and future generations. Archives
March 2015
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